I usually try to keep it light here because I think it takes a special talent to write about serious and deeply personal things in a respectful, eloquent and helpful way. I know I don’t have that talent. I’ve been avoiding writing on the blog for a very long time because I couldn’t not acknowledge that I had a miscarriage in March. It’s so personal and delicate a topic to me, but it is also such a sadly common thing for women to experience. I don’t think it’s right to feel like you have to keep such a heartbreaking thing to yourself out of an old fashioned sense of propriety, but at the same time, I hardly know how to talk about it because it’s left me rather raw. I also have so many friends and relatives who have dealt with pregnancy and infant loss and who, quite frankly, had much more traumatic experiences than I had. So I’ve kept my mouth shut.
Anyway, it’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day today, and that seemed as good a time as any to break my (blog) silence. For three weeks in February and the beginning of March, I thought we’d be having another baby just about now. I looked forward to October as new baby month, albeit briefly. I’m also sad to say that I looked forward to October with apprehension. That baby was a surprise. Not unwelcome, of course! But a surprise that I needed a bit of time to wrap my head around. And then when I had finally wrapped my head around it and started to feel excited, I went in for the first ultrasound and found out that there was no baby, that our baby probably didn’t make it much past conception but my body just continued on thinking it was pregnant and not feeling too hot. It felt like such a sick joke.
Now that it’s October, I still have complicated feelings about it all. Part of what makes it complicated,though, is that this October has brought me reasons to be joyful. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt the first jabs and flutters of a new little one. At the end of the month is my 20 week ultrasound, at which we will hopefully receive some tie-breaking news. (Although, to be completely honest, I can never look forward to ultrasounds in a 100% positive way anymore.)
I do think about the what-ifs, but I can’t think about them too much because then it erases the reality of right now. But at the same time, the reality of right now feels very fragile. I’m having a hard time being joyful and hopeful about this baby. I struggle with not letting the negativity overtake me. Ultimately, I know that I have so much to be grateful for. There’s no neat, positive way to wrap this up. I’m still in the middle of it a bit, as you can see. I guess, despite my questions, sadness and anxiety, there are a few things I know for sure. My baby(ies) came from Love and they are loved and that makes this all worth it.