A Tale of Two Octobers

I usually try to keep it light here because I think it takes a special talent to write about serious and deeply personal things in a respectful, eloquent and helpful way.  I know I don’t have that talent.  I’ve been avoiding writing on the blog for a very long time because I couldn’t not acknowledge that I had a miscarriage in March. It’s so personal and delicate a topic to me, but it is also such a sadly common thing for women to experience.  I don’t think it’s right to feel like you have to keep such a heartbreaking thing to yourself out of an old fashioned sense of propriety, but at the same time, I hardly know how to talk about it because it’s left me rather raw. I also have so many friends and relatives who have dealt with pregnancy and infant loss and who, quite frankly, had much more traumatic experiences than I had. So I’ve kept my mouth shut.

Anyway, it’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day today, and that seemed as good a time as any to break my (blog) silence.  For three weeks in February and the beginning of March, I thought we’d be having another baby just about now.  I looked forward to October as new baby month, albeit briefly.  I’m also sad to say that I looked forward to October with apprehension. That baby was a surprise.  Not unwelcome, of course! But a surprise that I needed a bit of time to wrap my head around.  And then when I had finally wrapped my head around it and started to feel excited, I went in for the first ultrasound and found out that there was no baby, that our baby probably didn’t make it much past conception but my body just continued on thinking it was pregnant and not feeling too hot.  It felt like such a sick joke.

Now that it’s October, I still have complicated feelings about it all.  Part of what makes it complicated,though, is that this October has brought me reasons to be joyful. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt the first jabs and flutters of a new little one.  At the end of the month is my 20 week ultrasound, at which we will hopefully receive some tie-breaking news.  (Although, to be completely honest, I can never look forward to ultrasounds in a 100% positive way anymore.)

I do think about the what-ifs, but I can’t think about them too much because then it erases the reality of right now.  But at the same time, the reality of right now feels very fragile.  I’m having a hard time being joyful and hopeful about this baby.  I struggle with not letting the negativity overtake me. Ultimately, I know that I have so much to be grateful for. There’s no neat, positive way to wrap this up.  I’m still in the middle of it a bit, as you can see.  I guess, despite my questions, sadness and anxiety, there are a few things I know for sure.  My baby(ies) came from Love and they are loved and that makes this all worth it.

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Not coincidentally, we found out about our baby on Valentine’s Day. I’m so glad I thought to take a (upside-down) picture of the test.

 

 

 

7QT: Homeowner Headaches

Linking up with This Ain’t the Lyceum to share this week’s dramatic novella. Seems like Kelly has had an eventful week too!

1. This week has been one of those homeowner headache weeks.  Last weekend, it seemed like our washing machine, which we bought used and refurbished 4 years ago, had finally kicked the can, because every time I did a wash, the floor in front of the washer and dryer was a big puddle.  We played around with it a bit; Dave made sure the washing machine was level, since the floor is very much not, but that didn’t seem to help.  Every time we went downstairs there was more water. We were pretty sure it was the washing machine’s fault.  We looked behind the machines to try to find the leak and while there was some water on the walls, it was mostly on the floor.  We pulled the machine out a bit and from how much it sloshed when we did that we concluded it must be the machine.

2.  By Monday, we decided that it must be broken, so we decided to bite the bullet and buy a new washer and a dryer while we were at it since it was only a matter of time before the dryer went too, right?  That’s when we discovered that there’s no middle of the line when it comes to washers and dryers.  There’s bottom of the line and top of the line; bottom of the line is expensive and top of the line is outrageous.  We ordered this bottom-ish washer and the dryer that goes with it, but it was only after we ordered it that I read the reviews.  “Do not buy this washing machine!” “This machine doesn’t get your clothes clean.” Blerg.

3. Immediately, I had buyers remorse and told Dave we should probably cancel the order and do more research.  Dave just wanted to fix the problem and was irritated by the fact that he apparently made another problem by buying new machines.  My sister Jane talked me off the ledge by telling me that all these new energy efficient washers do a crappy job washing because they don’t use enough water.  Ordinarily, I’m 100% on board with new shiny things, but now I was mourning the loss of my ancient Whirlpool with the old fashioned agitator and inefficient water usage.  At least my clothes were always clean!

4. On Tuesday, I wanted to use the treadmill which is right next to the washer and dryer.  I texted Dave at work and asked him if it was dangerous to use the treadmill what with the puddles always seeping out.  He said no as long as there wasn’t water near the treadmill plug.

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Never mind.

5. Wednesday: it’s still leaking and I’m still second guessing our washer and dryer order.  And I’m freaking the freak out.  Mystery leaks make me paranoid and panicy.  I blame Dave for making me watch Holmes on Homes with him.

6.  Yesterday I went downstairs to find this.

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I don’t know why this picture is coming out sideways in the final post. I guess it figures though, right?

Oh come on! It can’t be the washing machine, I haven’t used it since last weekend!  Last night we pulled it all the way out and mopped up all the water and then waited.  We came back down a couple hours later and there was more water where the washing machine used to be, but where was it coming from?  Dave tried turning the valve off that goes to our hose outside, and then we went to bed.  We woke up this morning and it’s dry.

7. I’m still skeptical.  But at least this means our washing machine is off the hook and we don’t have to spend an outrageous amount of money for crappy new machines.  Is the saga of the mystery leak over?  Let’s hope so, but I’m not counting on it!

7QT: Blog Angst, Goals and Some Happenings

Here’s hoping that hopping on the 7 Quick Takes train will help me out of my blogging rut!

1. I’ve started and thrown out several posts over the past few weeks.  I lost my groove! First I tried to write about my quest for cute summer sandals, but the quest came to an abrupt end when I succumbed to the siren call of Target’s shoe department.

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Gus is unimpressed.

They’re cute, I like them.  I just always do this.  I cave for the cheapest, easiest buy because the nicer, better made and probably more comfortable pair is so much more expensive! No doubt I will pine over this pair for the rest of the summer. But I made my choice. (Aren’t you glad I saved you all from a post full of this nonsense?)

2. I thought about and even started writing a What I Wore Sunday post about how more often than not, my Mass outfits are not nursing friendly because I’m a heartless mom because Sundays are the only days that I have an excuse to get dressed up nicely and it’s only for an hour, so I don’t see what the big deal is.  And then I decided that, indeed, it is not a big deal, so I trashed that post!

3. I guess I’m having a bit of a blogging existential crisis.

Moving on!

4. Last week was Dave’s birthday, and I made him this cheesecake.IMG_4247

I don’t know which good deed earned me best wife award: making the cake or selflessly leaving the last piece for him.  Anyway, I dun good.

5. The month of May so far has been positively magical.  The garden is thriving, my lilacs are starting to bloom and we’re all beginning to shed our pale ghostly gray complexions and don our summer glows.IMG_4219 IMG_4244IMG_4234 IMG_4261_2

Or, in my case, my first sunspots on my forehead.  Hello sunspots, you go well with my prescription sunglasses and forehead creases. 😉

6. This month I set a fitness goal for myself: run 40 miles in the month of May.  I got my 10 miles done in this first week, so I’m feeling optimistic that I can hit my 40 mile goal.  I’d been plateauing a bit with running because my hamstrings have been killing me. I think my lower back is a mess in general and that’s making my hamstrings tight, but I also have never been the best at stretching, so this week I really focused on stretching after running. I also started drinking coconut water again, since it helped my leg cramps and soreness significantly at the end of my pregnancy last year.  Anyway, if any of you seasoned runners/fit people have any tips about stretches, etc., please let me know! I’m a complete hack at this running thing.

7. What I really need to do is set some housekeeping goals for myself! Gus is almost a year old, which means I don’t really have an excuse any more, huh? I mean, I figured once Gus was sleeping through the night, then I could really get my rear in gear and tackle more than the basics.  Are you laughing yet? Have you figured out the punchline? Gus isn’t sleeping through the night. And the rare nights he does sleep all night, Sara wakes up screaming about losing Minnie or her blankets.  As Jenny brilliantly wrote last week, when it comes to sleep training, there are no victors.  Har har.

Anyway, don’t pity me, I’m not dying from lack of sleep. But I might die from lack of dusting in my bedroom.  Oy! I finally deep cleaned my bedroom this morning and it. was. shameful.  No more! Once a month (hey, maybe the Saturday that I go to confession since I actually have stuck to that New Year’s resolution!) I need to dust and swiffer the bedrooms.  No more neglecting the upstairs since nobody sees it. As the internet is my witness, the dustbunnies will never get that bad again!

Happy Mother’s Day weekend, everyone! And don’t forget to click back to Kelly’s place for more Quick Takes!

 

{PFHR} Spring has sprung!

Anyone who used to watch Sesame Street in the 80’s might remember this one:

(That’s about the screen quality I saw it in at the time, too.) Anyway, that song has been in my head all week as we finally have been doing some earth-turning, week pulling, worm-finding, and seed-planting!

PRETTY

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Not garden-related, but spring-themed: Look at my pretty door! I’ve been scowling at my ugly storm door all winter and now it’s off and I can see my nice shiny black door and forsythia wreath. And my hubby got me that hanging basket of petunias.

FUNNY

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Petey is fun to watch outside in his very element, with so many new things to poke around in. He NEVER wants to come back inside these days.

HAPPY

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I’m very happy to be out in the garden again and getting onions, peas, broccoli, and lettuce into the ground!

This also makes me happy — how adorable is my Paul’s hand-drawn garden plan, composed back in January? We’ll have to compare and contrast his efforts to Dave’s spreadsheets I’ve heard about!

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REAL

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For real, people, those are tiny strawberries. Already! Hooray!

Other not-so-hot “real” things: Allergies  hitting big time for me and the kids, ugh; deer eating my tulips; and bunnies eating my parsley and squirrels attacking the bird feeder. Oh well, it’s all part of spring, and I welcome it!

Head over to Like Mother Like Daughter to check out some more captured contentment!