A Tale of Two Octobers

I usually try to keep it light here because I think it takes a special talent to write about serious and deeply personal things in a respectful, eloquent and helpful way.  I know I don’t have that talent.  I’ve been avoiding writing on the blog for a very long time because I couldn’t not acknowledge that I had a miscarriage in March. It’s so personal and delicate a topic to me, but it is also such a sadly common thing for women to experience.  I don’t think it’s right to feel like you have to keep such a heartbreaking thing to yourself out of an old fashioned sense of propriety, but at the same time, I hardly know how to talk about it because it’s left me rather raw. I also have so many friends and relatives who have dealt with pregnancy and infant loss and who, quite frankly, had much more traumatic experiences than I had. So I’ve kept my mouth shut.

Anyway, it’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day today, and that seemed as good a time as any to break my (blog) silence.  For three weeks in February and the beginning of March, I thought we’d be having another baby just about now.  I looked forward to October as new baby month, albeit briefly.  I’m also sad to say that I looked forward to October with apprehension. That baby was a surprise.  Not unwelcome, of course! But a surprise that I needed a bit of time to wrap my head around.  And then when I had finally wrapped my head around it and started to feel excited, I went in for the first ultrasound and found out that there was no baby, that our baby probably didn’t make it much past conception but my body just continued on thinking it was pregnant and not feeling too hot.  It felt like such a sick joke.

Now that it’s October, I still have complicated feelings about it all.  Part of what makes it complicated,though, is that this October has brought me reasons to be joyful. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt the first jabs and flutters of a new little one.  At the end of the month is my 20 week ultrasound, at which we will hopefully receive some tie-breaking news.  (Although, to be completely honest, I can never look forward to ultrasounds in a 100% positive way anymore.)

I do think about the what-ifs, but I can’t think about them too much because then it erases the reality of right now.  But at the same time, the reality of right now feels very fragile.  I’m having a hard time being joyful and hopeful about this baby.  I struggle with not letting the negativity overtake me. Ultimately, I know that I have so much to be grateful for. There’s no neat, positive way to wrap this up.  I’m still in the middle of it a bit, as you can see.  I guess, despite my questions, sadness and anxiety, there are a few things I know for sure.  My baby(ies) came from Love and they are loved and that makes this all worth it.

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Not coincidentally, we found out about our baby on Valentine’s Day. I’m so glad I thought to take a (upside-down) picture of the test.

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “A Tale of Two Octobers

  1. Drat, I think the internet ate my earlier comment but- wow, Ellen. Prayers, congrats, and hugs! I am so sorry for your loss. My sister went through something similar- early ultrasound showed she lost the baby really early on but her body was still feeling lots of icky pregnancy symptoms. I can't imagine how hard that must be, plus all the emotions and the difficulty of ultrasounds from then on…
    Everyone has such singular experiences with pregnancy, I think you deserve to feel how you feel, you know? Also, your babies are so lucky to have you for a mama!

  2. This was such a beautiful post! You are one incredibly strong mama, Ellen. So sorry for your loss and the complexity of emotions you are juggling right now, please know you'll be in my prayers. Also, super congratulations! Your babes are truly blessed to have such loving parents. Miss you and love you!!

  3. I'm so excited for your new baby!! Can't wait to see his/her face! I don't understand why God allows for parents to lose children, it's such a painful sacrifice. Thank goodness we have the faith that we will meet them in eternity.

  4. Thanks, ladies. It's hard for me to be so personal on the internet and all weekend I was regretting putting this out there. But at the same time, I've been feeling the hole in my family more, probably because it's October and both of these littlest babies of mine's stories are intertwined. As my pregnancy becomes more obvious, I feel the need to talk about the baby I lost because if I hadn't lost that baby, I wouldn't be pregnant with this baby right now. It's so complicated and hard! But thank you for your kind comments, they mean a lot to me.

  5. Thanks for posting this as I know it is very personal. We had a miscarriage with our first baby and it was really hard. I have peace about it now but it took a while for me to get there. Congrats on the new baby, I can't wait to find out the gender.

  6. Love and hugs! I know how difficult and personal this has been for you, but I think it is always beautiful to see women remembering and sharing about all their babies, whether on earth or in heaven. Because all these children are always in our hearts, and bound up as part of our story and part of our family. You know I will always remember your sweet Valentine baby, and I'm so excited about their newest sibling.

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