Fake It Till Ya Grow Up

Well, the inevitable happened.  As of yesterday, I stopped wearing my wedding rings.  I’d like to think that this sudden swelling of all my appendages has everything to do with the mercury rising and nothing to do with the ice cream in the freezer, but! It is what it is.

I find myself desperately wishing myself into the future.  The obvious one is wishing it were 7 weeks from now and my little guy is here. The delivery, however it’s going to happen, happened and pregnancy is over.  But it’s not just that.  I wish I was 10 years older, maybe even 20, and the little vain things that I worry about are not a big deal anymore.  My varicose veins are just a fact of life and I don’t give them a second thought.  I’m established in my community and I no longer have that pit in my stomach when it comes to making or maintaining friendships.  I no longer feel defensive when it comes to the things I do and don’t do in comparison to my peers.

I want to be that mature mother and wife, who knows all the things and has been there done that and doesn’t freak out and refuse to post Mother’s Day pictures because my arms were too pale and beefy and my face was too pregnant-puffy.  I want to be the mother who doesn’t pass those insecurities on to her daughter(s).

The thing is, I’m beginning to wonder if/fear that we never get over our insecurities.  Maybe everyone else is just faking it?  Sure, women who are 10 or 20 years older than I am have experienced more and they’ve done their time, but maybe they do still angst about their friendships and their varicose veins?  But maybe they just don’t let on like they do.  Maybe they’ve learned to ignore those nagging insecure voices in their heads and just move on and live.

So that’s my new motto: fake it till ya make it. And in my case, make it = grow up. Maybe if I just pretend that all these things don’t bother me, eventually they won’t.  I’m about to have my second child and I know I won’t have as much time to worry about this stuff.  God willing, this is a pattern that will repeat itself as I enter my 30’s: more babies, more on my plate, less time to worry about silly things.  I think the silly things will always bother me to a degree, but if I start faking it and pretending that they’re no big deal, maybe they will indeed become no big deal.

My first attempt at faking it is sharing this picture against my vainer judgement.

My first attempt at faking it is sharing this picture against my vainer judgement.

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On a loosely related note, Dave is slowly working on our kitchen facelift.  Right now, things are looking pretty crappy.  The walls and trim require a lot of prep work and sanding before he can actually paint and in the meantime they look awful and there’s a thick layer of dust over everything and we track it all throughout the house.  Ordinarily, I think, this would be an annoying process but I’m usually pretty chill about living with chaos.  Being at the end of pregnancy, though, means everything is bothering me.  EVERYTHING. I know that I just need to be patient and it will be finished.  Dave reminded me that it’s going to look a lot worse before it looks better.  That’s just how life is, right?

The awesome thing about this picture is our new kitchen table and chairs that fit the space sooooo much better than our last set.  And! The chairs are not wobbly death traps! Everything else is looking pretty awful, especially the floor.

The awesome thing about this picture is our new kitchen table and chairs that fit the space sooooo much better than our last set. And! The chairs are not wobbly death traps! Everything else is looking pretty awful though, especially the floor.

I’m getting more puffy and veiny (and whiny) each day, but soon there will be a baby!  Amazing!  Afterwards, I’ll probably still have veins and scars and more belly flab, and all these things will get more pronounced as I age and as we add to our family.  But we’re building a beautiful thing, right?  I need to let go of my superficial woes and embrace the bigger picture of what we’re doing here.  I know it’s so worth it.

She makes construction look adorable, doesn't she?

She makes construction look adorable, doesn’t she?

15 thoughts on “Fake It Till Ya Grow Up

  1. Faking it works until it becomes habit! 🙂 Ummm I was going to say I loved your flooring…..lol Is it linoleum? Because if it is, you can't tell and that's nice looking linoleum compared with the grimy 1970's stuff I've got!

  2. My sister graduated from college this weekend and made the comment that she always looked up to college grads as being adults who had it together/knew what was going on. And then I told her that a few times last week, Justin and I had scenarios in which we looked at each other and said "we need to ask a REAL adult about this." I don't think anybody is as secure as we think – if only we all had the confidence that we assume other people have!

    PS Good luck with your renovations! Living through the disaster is so worth it 🙂

    • Ugh, Dave and I have moments like that all the time! What would I do if I didn't have my Mom and sisters to call?

  3. Oh gosh friend, you get me. I have hope that I'll grow out of it too, and honestly, I think we will. When I look back on my insecurities from high school, I've grown out of many of them. Some may have just changed shape, but so many are gone.

    • That's true! It's not obvious anymore that I was homeschooled, so that's one I conquered! 😉 You're right about some of them changing shape… I think some of my current insecurities have morphed out of former ones. But it has gotten better for the most part!

  4. I think about my mom when she was my age and, to me, she had no insecurities, no self-doubt. And now I realize that wasn't the case at all. . . . I wonder if the appearance of self-assuredness comes from just accepting our insecurities rather than not having them at all?? .. . . And then, like Caitlyn ^^ I think back to how I felt in high school and college and I realize how far I've come . . . . .Fake it till you make it, like you said. . . . Thanks for posting this Ellen.

    • Yes, I think you're right Laura. Accepting our insecurities and acknowledging that everyone has insecurities is probably the key to it, huh? Well, I'm glad I hashed it out on le blog; you ladies have helped clarify it all for me some more!

  5. Great post, Ellen! I think it's hard (for me, at least) in this stage in life w/ constant body changes. But you're right about focusing on the bigger picture!

    Also, that is such a cute mom/daughter photo. 🙂

  6. I think you look lovely in that picture with SK, too 🙂 It always helps to add a kid into the mix! And I think documenting yourself as part of their lives is really important.

    Also, random, but someone just posted about how magnesium oil helped with her varicose veins almost immediately – something to try?

  7. This post keeps coming back to me, and I'm right there with you. I'd love to reap the fruits of years of being a mom, but would love to skip the challenges that will rub my rough edges off. It reminds me of the children's book/campfire game "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" at every obstacle they say: can't go under it, can't go over it, oh no! we've got to go through it…that's how I feel about most things–establishing a family culture, acquiring virtue, the works!

    • Anne, you're speaking my language with the Bear Hunt reference! It's so true, unfortunately for my lazy-butt self.

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